Shagrat: The musical!
by the Random Oliphaunt
Summary: Re-uploaded with (gasp) a plotline. Shagrat was always a ... special orc. He didn't really want to fight, or kill, or torture hobbits, he wanted...to SING!
1. When will my life begin?

**Shagrat:The musical! is back, and this time, it has a plotline, and occasional dialogue and all sorts of other cool things. I still don't own any of it, though. Sigh.  
Also, apologies for the questionable quality of this one. Someone requested it, and I wasn't completely sure where to go with it, so yeah.**

* * *

_Scene: SHAGRAT is staring out all a window in Orthanc. Outside, orcs prepare for battle._

Shagrat: 7 AM, the usual morning lineup:  
Have wrestling matches until Saruman screams  
Bite and kick, split heads, and massacre dwarves  
Wrestle again, and by then it's like 7:15.  
And so I'll lose a fight  
Or maybe two or three  
Then hide from the others in the library  
I'll forge armour and swords  
And shields and basically  
Just wonder when will my life begin?  
Then after lunch it's hobbit-hunting and fighting  
running through Rohan,with no food to spare  
talking trees and Riders and bickering  
Then back to Orthanc, maybe eat, fight some more,  
Forge more swords!  
And I'll get beaten up some more  
If I have time to spare  
I'll clean my armour again,  
I'm sure it's necessary.  
And then I'll fight and fight,  
and fight and fight some more  
Stuck in the same place I've always been.  
And I'll keep wonderin' and wonderin'  
And wonderin' and wonderin'  
When will my life begin?  
And tomorrow night,  
Helm's Deep will fall  
But I will be stuck here, it's not fair at all  
What is it like  
Out there in the war?  
Now that I'm stronger,  
Saruman might just  
Let me go ...

_SHAGRAT gazes wistfully outside. SARUMAN hits him on the back of the head._

Saruman: stop daydreaming. Your training starts tomorrow.

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**And it all segues nicely into "I'll make an Orc out of you"...**


	2. I'll make an Orc out of you

**Disclaimer: the original song belongs to Disney; middle earth-related things belong to Tolkien.**

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_Scene: the next day, outside Orthanc. A large number of ORCS are lined up in rows, all equipped with armour and weapons. SHAGRAT is in the front row. SARUMAN strides out of the tower, the ORCS snap to attention._

Saruman: Let's get down to business  
Killing elves and dwarves  
Did they send me puppies  
When I asked for Wargs?

You're the saddest bunch I ever made  
But you can bet before we're through  
Mister, I'll make an Orc  
Out of you.

Tranquil is the forest  
Until you burn it down  
Once you find your matches  
You can really go to town!

You're a brainless, weak cowardly lot  
And you haven't got a clue.  
Somehow I'll make an Orc  
Out of you.

Grishnákh: I'm never gonna catch those hobbits  
Gorbag: Say goodbye to those who knew me  
Lugdush:Boy, was I a fool for complaining  
Gandalf: This guy's got them scared to death  
Shagrat: Hope he doesn't see right through me  
Grishnákh: Now I really wish that I knew how to swim

Orcs: BE AN ORC  
We must be smart as a brain-dead hobbit  
Orcs: BE AN ORC  
With all the force of the mighty Eye  
Orcs: BE AN ORC  
With all the anger of a rabid cave troll  
Black-hearted as the clouds in the sky

Time is racing toward us  
'til the Ents arrive.  
Heed my every order  
And I might let you live.

You're unsuited for the rage of war  
So pack up, go home you're through  
How could I make an Orc  
Out of you?

_SARUMAN kicks SHARGRAT out of Isengard. SHAGRAT, who is still in armour and holding a pack, stops a distance away stops to look sadly back at where the other ORCS are still training._

Orcs: BE AN ORC  
We must be smart as a brain-dead hobbit  
Orcs: BE AN ORC  
With all the force of the mighty Eye  
Orcs: BE AN ORC  
With all the anger of a rabid cave troll  
Black-hearted as the clouds in the sky

[everyone] BE AN ORC  
We must be smart as a brain-dead hobbit  
BE AN ORC  
With all the force of the mighty Eye  
BE AN ORC  
With all the anger of a rabid cave troll  
Black-hearted as the clouds in the skyyyy!

_SHAGRAT shoulders his pack and walks off into the sunset._


	3. Orc of the road

**Hello! I am actually alive, and updating! Anyways, I own nothing except for my fuzzy toy bat. This chapter's song is a parody of King of the Road.**

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_scene: somewhere in the wilds of Dunland. A lone orc, SHAGRAT, is wandering along humming to himself._

SHAGRAT: you know, it's not so bad out here really.  
SHAGRAT (singing): Mountain for sale or rent  
Caves to let...fifty cents.  
No food, no gold, no bow  
I ain't got no place to go  
Ah, but..two hours of wandering 'round  
Finds an inn at a little, friendly town  
I'm an orc of means by no means  
King of the road.

Got directions from a wishing well  
Destination: Rivendell.  
Old worn out pack and cloak  
I don't have no pipe to smoke  
I eat small animals I have caught  
Nurse wounds from the battles I have fought  
I'm an orc of means by no means  
King of the road.

I know every Uruk-Hai and every warg  
All of the Nazgul, and all of their names  
And every tavern in every town  
And every lock that ain't locked  
When no one's around.

I sing,  
Mountain for sale or rent  
Caves to let...fifty cents.  
No food, no gold, no bow  
I ain't got no place to go  
Ah, but..two hours of wandering 'round  
Finds an inn at a little, friendly town  
I'm an orc of means by no means  
King of the road.

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**PSA for one of my other stories: so if there's many one reading this who is also a reader of Road Trip to Mordor and is wondering what the heck happened, the word document I had Road Trip saved on open glitchy or something, so I am unable to access it. I still have the handwritten version, luckily, so at some point when I have the time I plan on typing it out again, but I have no idea how long that will take, so very sorry about all this. However, I _can_ tell you that the characters from Road Trip are also irked by this delay and may be expressing their annoyance in the form of a few oneshots soon...**


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